A Little Patience

I Love You.

2011-02-13T16:31:00.002-06:00

Today as I was rocking Zachary at naptime, he snuggled in close. He laid his cheek against my chest where the skin was exposed through my shirt collar and rested his precious little hand next to it. Caught up in the tenderness of the moment, I leaned down, lightly kissed his forehead, and whispered, "I love you." Zachary lifted his sweet head, looked me right in the eye, and with the faintest hint of a smile, nodded.

To some - possibly to many - this may not seem particularly significant. But to me, it meant everything. To me, with a little head nod he was saying, "I love you too, Mommy."

Nevermind.

2010-05-22T00:49:00.001-05:00

Wow I am not very observant. The giveaway ended yesterday. Oh well, gotta give me some credit for the effort. :P

Giveaway

2010-05-22T00:45:00.002-05:00

My friend Nancy is doing a giveaway for $40 shopping credit to CSN Stores. Visit her blog and leave a comment for a chance to win!
Giveaway at Nancy's Blog here!

I Wish I could Remember...

2010-05-14T12:56:00.002-05:00

What it was I came back here to do. I think I need an iPhone. That way I can do internet searches from anywhere and not have to worry about remembering what it was I wanted to look up. I might need some help convincing my anti-Apple husband though. Any volunteers? ;-)

A Full Weekend

2010-05-13T15:19:00.007-05:00

As I sit here at my computer, listening to the thunder rumbling distantly outside my window, I can't seem to stop thinking about all the things I have going on this weekend. I guess I'm a little stressed out; I usually don't have this much of a life! (ha ha) Nothing is overlapping (yet) but just knowing I won't be able to get much accomplished - including rest - this weekend makes me feel a little deflated. At least it won't be a boring weekend! Still, there are 2 nights in a row that Zachary will be with a babysitter, and I don't like doing that. Yes, I'm just that kind of Mommy. We have plans tonight, tomorrow night, Saturday morning, and Saturday night, and then church on Sunday. Maybe I'll be able to snag a little rest time Saturday or Sunday afternoon. We'll see.

Tonight is NWA Share's annual butterfly release in Springdale. Each year, the local Share group hosts a guest speaker and we, the parents, release butterflies in honor of our precious babies who have gone on to Heaven before us. Did you know that the butterfly is often viewed as a symbol of new life - a tangible example of the resurrection? This website describes it quite beautifully. As bereaved parents, it is comforting to envision our babies happily soaring free like those beautiful butterflies, unencumbered by any earthly heaviness. They feel no pain, and know no sorrow; they are truly free! I will be posting pictures from tonight's event as soon as I can. Allow me to leave you with this poem, which I thought was fitting with the butterfly theme. It is dear to my heart, and spoke (and still speaks) to me countless times as I trudged through my darkest days after our loss.

Quiet Time

I loved the quiet time I spent

when every heart beat you had sent

to my flesh and to my skin

flowed forth to bring me peace within

your silent womb.....

I loved the silent time

And even as my tiny heart

laboured at death's call before my start

at birth and life, and as I ailed,

soon no longer to inhale

or feel your pulse to mine.....

I loved the quiet time

My body, now apart from yours,

still lives, yet not upon your shores,

and suffers not, nor is in pain

for within its new domain

I can love the quiet time......

I loved the quiet time

---Author Unknown

Just for fun...

2010-05-12T21:28:00.003-05:00

Sorry this is so late in getting posted. This video was shot last Tuesday at Smokin' Joes in Bentonville. Lately Zachary has been really into beans of any kind - kidney, pinto, chili, navy, red, brown, you name it. So he was really enjoying the baked beans at dinner that night, and I decided to let him try using the spoon. He actually did it somewhat successfully! His first time ever using a spoon. (I have given him spoons many times before, but he's never actually used it to put the food IN HIS MOUTH!!) Luckily, I had my handy-dandy camera with me, and this is what we ended up with. Hope you enjoy it. :)

A New Day

2010-05-12T12:53:00.002-05:00

Just in case any of you from my masses of followers and admirers were concerned (ha ha ha...) I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday was just an off day for me. The dreary, rainy weather + various other factors just had me feeling down. Also, we really ARE looking for a headstone for Trevor's grave (something that's been in the works for nearly 3 years now!) I've been putting it off for so long; it just feels so FINAL. Like once it's done, what else is there for me to do? I'm a mother of two, but only parenting one. It just feels so wrong.

You might think that after 3 years, I'd have moved on. Especially now that I have another, healthy and gorgeous, child. I should just forget the past, right? Well, it's just not that easy. I think the weather turning warm brings back memories of my final trimester of pregnancy with Trevor. There are other factors too, that try to suck me back into that pit of despair. It's just not like anything you could imagine, unless you have also experienced this type of loss. Kind of like being in an exclusive club...that no one wants to join. However, once you have joined, you can never leave...and you don't really want to. I have bourne 2 children; All I want is the chance to love and cherish BOTH of them. Is that really so much to ask?

Having said all that, the sun is shining today, and I really am in much better spirits than yesterday. The loss of my firstborn son is just a fact of life for me now, and I can allow myself to have good days! I think I'm going to take Zachary to the park and enjoy the sunshine while it lasts! Like Luci Swindoll says, "We need to savor this moment!" Because every moment we have with the ones we love is truly a gift!

At a Loss

2010-05-11T13:55:00.002-05:00

How do you choose a headstone for your infant son? How do you sum up all the love, the grief, and the longings of your heart in a two-line epitaph? What artist can carve a picture poignant and graceful enough to be worthy of a precious child's memorial? What words can be said? What mark can be made? It will never be enough. Ever.

Trevor, I miss you so much I can hardly stand it sometimes. I can't wait to see you again. I love you more than words can say!

Mommy

Memories

2010-05-06T15:44:00.003-05:00

One more day on the South Beach Diet and I am loving it. Well, not loving the sugar/starch cravings, but those are bearable in conjunction with the other allowances on the plan. I weighed in this morning and I'm 2 lbs. down just from yesterday! My pants are feeling looser and I'm feeling good!

Beyond the obvious joy of losing weight quickly, there is another reason for me to "enjoy" this diet. Following this plan allows me to relive some of the memories I have of a special time when my dad and I did this diet together. That summer was probably the closest I had felt to my dad for a long time during the years leading up to his death. There is a strong sense of comaradery when you're dieting with a "partner". Overcoming challenges and making sacrifices binds us to together. Now, it's true that we did not have the closest of Daddy-Daughter relationships; there were definitely ups and downs. But I have always loved my father, and I cherish the special memories of happy times spent with him through the years. Even though he's not here with me now, I feel like I can honor his memory by doing this diet - becoming the healthy person that I know he would have wanted me to be. I'm doing it, Dad! With a little help from your memory.

Day 3

2010-05-05T22:55:00.002-05:00

Today is my third day on the South Beach Diet. If you read my last post, you know I got fed up with what I was doing before and decided to go in a different direction. I weighed myself this morning and was down 4 lbs. from the last time I weighed a few days ago. That's cool!

I've been doing pretty well. This afternoon I was feeling a bit queasy and really wanted some bread or some other starchy thing to settle my stomach, but I sucked it up and ate some almonds instead. The queasiness let up after a little while, and I was fine. I've been eating a lot of meat, cheese, nuts, and green veggies. Today I had an egg and cheese omlet and some asparagus for lunch. Tonight I had a grilled chicken salad and a Coke Zero. Believe it or not, I could hardly tell the difference in the Coke Zero!! I never thought it would be possible but I guess it's happening. Still not totally acclimated to regular old Diet Coke, but that's ok!

I'm still feeling good about this, so we'll see how it goes from here!

New Direction

2010-05-03T22:23:00.002-05:00

Today I decided that I was just treading water with the whole Nutrisystem thing. So, I made an executive decision and started the South Beach Diet. I went to the store and got some nuts, cheese, and other SBD-friendly foods, and I'm jumping in with both feet! Updates to come, so check back! :)

Picture of my Babe!

2010-04-29T15:56:00.001-05:00

Snapped this pic with my phone camera, and just thought it was so cute/cool. I know my family has already seen it, but I thought I'd post anyway. :)

Struggling forward...

2010-04-29T15:35:00.004-05:00

I've taken a brief hiatus from blog posting, as you can see. The primary reason for this is that my diet has been just kind of ... well, not recognizable as a diet I guess you could say. I guess it's just my rebellious nature, but I am starting to hate this diet plan. The food is not bad; that's not the problem. The problem is that I don't like having to eat their foods every day, and I don't like being told what to eat with them. I feel like I have no freedom. Then on my "off" days, I just want to go crazy and eat whatever I want. Needless to say this approach is somewhat less than effective.

I've been weighing in on the Wii, and I am down roughly 15 pounds. I say roughly because I switched scales after the first week and a half, so I'm not really for sure how much I lost in that first time. If I had been following the plan perfectly, I'm sure I would have lost more by this point. I get so frustrated with myself, feeling like my self-control and discipline is next to nil. I have it all planned out, what I'm going to eat and when. But when the time comes, I crumble under the weight of the smallest temptation. I hate being this way, but I don't know how to change it. If anyone out there in blog-land knows the secret answer to this, please enlighten me!

I'm trying to work out the diet that will work best for me. Nutrisystem is not exactly what I thought it would be, since I have to add a lot of my own foods. This kind of defeats the purpose of having some foods prepackaged for me. It's might as well plan my entire meal if I'm going to have to plan 2/3 of it anyway. I have done the South Beach diet before with good success, but I'm not sure about the long-term health implications of that diet. My mom has had success with Weight Watchers, and I am thinking seriously of trying this plan. As a matter of fact, I believe they have a plan that combines their point-counting with a low carb plan. Maybe that would fit the bill for me. At any rate, I'm feeling a little disillusioned at the moment. I want to finish off the Nutrisystem food I've already gotten. There's no sense in wasting it. So I guess that means I have another few weeks to decide what to do.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading!

One more thing...

2010-04-18T22:31:00.004-05:00

Well I have officially declared that the scale I've been using to weigh myself is not accurate. What a nuisance. At this point I have no idea how much weight I've actually lost or not lost. I think we have decided to start using the Wii balance board to weigh instead of the scale. That is probably good also because it's more of a hassle so I won't be tempted to weigh myself every day. :P It's just one more thing...

I hate diets.

Fail, Fail, FAIL!!

2010-04-16T14:49:00.003-05:00

I've blown it again. What is with me? Yesterday I thought I'd stemmed my Zaxby's craving by going there and having a salad. Well, guess where I magically ended up eating lunch today? Yep, that's right! And this time I got what I really wanted in the first place - chicken fingers! I guess there is a lesson to be learned here: If you're going to indulge a craving, you'd might as well go all the way and be done with it! I hope now that I've had the envied chicken fingers I can go back to being successful with my diet! Ugh!

Off Day

2010-04-15T15:39:00.005-05:00

Ok, so today has been a totally "off" day for me diet-wise. You remember that triumph over Zaxby's i had yesterday? Well I guess I didn't completely defeat it because I ended up going there today with some friends. *sigh* Oh well, at least I ordered the grilled chicken salad! (with a side of boneless wings. :P) I also splurged a tiny bit on the drink. I filled the cup totally with ice, then filled it most of the way with Coke Zero and topped it off with a little bit of regular coke. Trying to wean myself to the taste of diet sodas is my excuse, but I still feel like an epic failure. I should have just drank water. Guess I won't weigh myself tomorrow. Or maybe I should...as punishment. Oh well...I suppose it could have been a lot worse, but I still feel bad. I guess maybe a little cheat once in a while is ok. I get it out of my system and then feel badly enough about it that I get back on track!

On a higher note, I got my hair done today. Voila!

It's not exactly what I was planning to go for, but I think it will be nice. I'm not planning on styling it straight like this on a daily basis. WAY too much work for me! But it'll be nice with curls too. I had wanted a short style, but she didn't think my curly hair would work with the style I wanted. She just took off a couple inches and put some more layers in it. (Obviously she also straightened and styled it today.) I still think I might go shorter next time. We'll see...

Going to the dentist, and other joys of life.

2010-04-14T21:16:00.003-05:00

I had a dental appointment this morning, to fill a small cavity. Well yeah, you know how that story goes... Turns out there was a lot of "gooey" (dentist's word!) decay inside the tooth, so i ended up needing a larger porcelain CEREC restoration. Luckily I have an awesome dentist - shout out to Dr. Marcus Black, D.D.S. - who cares about his patients, and always does a great job of numbing me! :) (And NO! He did not pay me to say any of that! lol) The finished product looks and feels like no work was ever done on it.

In other news, Zachary and I are having sinus troubles. I don't know if it is a cold or really bad allergies, but I'm kind of leaning towards the cold theory. It's only just bad enough to be annoying, but just seems WRONG to have a cold in the springtime! Oh well...

Hopefully my sinuses will not keep me from getting my hair done tomorrow! I've been looking forward to it for ... well I guess for only a week but it seems a lot longer than that! We'll see how it goes... If I am able to get it done, I'll post some pics.

Today was just an all-around "off" day for me. My diet was no different. I was rushing around a lot and took some shortcuts, but overall I guess it could have been much worse. I had a sudden and urgent craving for Zaxby's on the way home from the dentist, but I overcame and did NOT stop (even though I REEAAALLY wanted to!! My mouth still water thinking about their chicken strips as I'm sitting here...) I just pray that all this self-denial is worth it. More tomorrow...

For Those Who Think it's Expensive to Eat Healthy...

2010-04-13T22:33:00.005-05:00

Try this one on for size! Greg and I went grocery shopping tonight at Harp's and got all these groceries for $70!!

I was in shock. I know, $70 doesn't sound really cheap, but for this amount of groceries, I was floored. I didn't even use any coupons! (because I didn't have them with me. I could have used coupons on the yogurt, paper towels, cheese, frozen veggies and salad dressings and a few others...oh well) Plus, there are some other items that aren't food (take n toss cups, crayons, some other little toy type items, etc...) Most of what we got was fresh and frozen produce. Now granted, we didn't buy any meat, but the other miscellaneous and baby items probably make up for that cost-wise. Sorry about the fuzzy photo quality. My camera battery is down so I had to use my cell phone. I just had to share!

Diet-wise, today went pretty well. I weighed this morning (even though I wasn't supposed to) and I've lost another 2 pounds! Rock on! :)

1 week down!

2010-04-12T15:33:00.005-05:00

Ok, so I haven't blogged for a few days. So much for my vow to document each day of this diet. That said, today marks my 1st week, and I have lost 9.5 pounds! I honestly did not think I would have lost that much in one week, but I guess it does come off faster in the beginning of any diet. The true test will be whether it continues to drop as time goes on. I think I've done pretty well, although to say I haven't had my fair share of slip-ups and cheats would be a lie. Still, I guess I must be doing something right!

Another positive: I've discovered that there are certain items containing maltitol that I can safely eat without getting sick. That makes me very happy because I was able to eat the chocolate brownie and carrot cake "dessert"/snacks! They were obviously not as good as the real thing, but they were still quite tasty, especially after depriving myself of all sweetness for a few days.

As far as my emotional state...well, that's really hard to say. I vascillate between several different feelings like, "This is so hard. I hate this and I'll never be able to stick to it!" to the other extreme of "I can't believe I'm losing weight. This is so easy. Why didn't I do this a long time ago?" I also have moments of joy and confidence knowing that my weight is dropping, but then also have feelings of doubt and fear that it won't last or the results I'm seeing aren't real. Am I going crazy? Maybe. It just depends upon the time of day, and whether I'm struggling with an angrily growling stomach or a stubborn craving. Right now I'm just trying to think of this venture as a one-day-at-a-time thing. If I start thinking in terms of "the rest of my life" I get totally overwhelmed, and freak out. However, when I think of it as a series of choices, it's a lot easier. Just knowing that at any time I can choose to quit this and go back to being unhealthy, if I really want to, takes some pressure off. It might sound silly, but it works.

So heres to new beginnings! I'm setting goals for myself and moving forward! Here we go!

A Minor Setback...

2010-04-08T22:05:00.004-05:00

But still going! Greg and I went to a park tonight with some friends - a good thing because I got some exercise, and afterwards we went out to eat - a bad thing because I ate too much. It was kind of weird actually because we ended up going out by ourselves since one of them got paged from work, but I digress... Anyway, I ended up eating WAY too much rice, and probably some other things I shouldn't have eaten. Now I feel totally disgusted with myself, and bloated to boot! I'm actually kind of happy about feeling stuffed. A week ago I would totally NOT have felt stuffed after that meal. Anyway... I didn't totally blow it. I had grilled chicken, veggies, (lots of) rice, and a little sushi. I ordered water to drink! So I still made some good choices. i think I just allowed myself to eat too much. Portion control is a big deal for me apparently. So I'm skipping my evening snack tonight. I figure I dont' need it after that meal, and honestly I'm not even hungry! I'm going to have to try really hard not to weigh myself tomorrow. Back in the saddle.........

public service announcement (Day 4)

2010-04-08T14:25:00.003-05:00

Even though zucchini is listed in a diet book as "unlimited" doesn't mean you should eat an entire package at once. it was probably only one zucchini (maybe 2??) but it was pre-sliced so hard to say. Anyway, I went a little overboard and cooked and ate the whole thing for lunch. Now I'm not feeling so well... Live and learn, right?

Update: I weighed myself this morning (just couldn't wait) and I've lost 3.5 pounds!! I'm still trying not to let myself get TOO excited because this early on, it's probably mostly water weight. But still, it is nice to see those numbers dropping! Too bad I have a WHOLE lot of numbers to drop! Plugging along... day 4 in progress. Stay tuned for breaking news. ;-)

Maltitol Addendum

2010-04-07T16:01:00.003-05:00

I just received a response from customer service about my sugar alcohol inquiry. They sent me a list of all the food options that do not contain maltitol/sorbitol and those that do, so next month I'll be able to make more educated choices. I was afraid that there wouldn't be much of anything to choose from, but there are still several good options so I am encouraged on that point! Also, what I have read seems to indicate that most people with sensitivity to sugar alcohols can build up a tolerance for them over a brief period of time, so that is encouraging as well!

Day 3 - Are we there yet?

2010-04-07T15:49:00.004-05:00

It's my third day of dieting and I'm feeling pretty miserable. I knew this would happen, but going through a detox of any kind, be it drugs, cigarettes, or SUGAR is NO FUN! (And no, I've never personally had to detox from drugs or ciggies!) I never realized before I started this program how often I used to put things into my mouth without even thinking about it! I guess I felt like if I was sitting still, I ought to be munching on something. That is a hard habit to break. As I'm sitting at the computer here, I keep wanting to reach for a pretzel, chip, or piece of candy.

I feel hungry much of the time and of course the cravings are unpleasant at best. However, I don't see how I could possibly NOT be losing weight by doing this program. I'm looking forward to the weekend, when I will weigh myself. (I peeked this morning, and HAD lost! But I'm trying not to get all excited about that, since I only just weighed myself yesterday morning and I know that weight fluctuates from day to day and even hour to hour.)

SO for now, I'm hanging in there, but NOT loving the program. I know the first week is the hardest, so holding out hope that it will get easier from here.

Still haven't taken that "before" picture. Big surprise there.

Day 1

2010-04-05T21:11:00.004-05:00

Well, day one is drawing to a close. There were both good and bad aspects of the day, but probably the most upsetting thing I discovered is that nearly all the breakfast and snack items contain maltitol. Maltitol is a sugar alcohol that can sometimes have very unpleasant side effects, and unfortunately I am one of those who react to it. I had a chocolate muffin for breakfast this morning and was in hopes that the maltitol wouldn't affect me. This afternoon I was having nausea and stomach pain. It's impossible to say for sure whether it was a direct result of the maltitol in my muffin, but I am suspicious. I plan to call the customer service number tomorrow and find out which food items (if any) for those meals do not contain maltitol, and then find out whether I can exchange the items I have for those items. It's disappointing, but I'm still hoping I can make this work. My lunch option (cheese tortellini) was quite tasty, although it was about 1/3 the size of the portion I would have liked to have eaten. My "pizza" for dinner was somewhat disappointing at first glance, but despite it's rather rubbery texture it tasted pretty good too.

Tomorrow is a new day! I'm actually kind of looking forward to trying some of the different meal options. Still no "before" picture. Guess I'll keep you waiting on that one!

Starting Out...

2010-04-04T22:39:00.002-05:00

Greg and I are gearing up to start our venture into the wild unknown world of Nutrisystem dieting tomorrow. I'll be posting my "before" pictures tomorrow. Prepare to be horrified! ;)
I will say that the program is turning out to be less of a no-brainer than we had initially thought (which almost defeats the purpose, in my mind...) In addition to our Nutrisystem breakfast entree, for example, we must also include 1 carbohydrate, 1 dairy or protein, and 1 fruit. Sounds relatively innocuous, right? Well, suppose I decide to have 1 slice of bread as my carbohydrate. 1 slice of dry bread is not very exciting, and there doesn't seem to be any allowance for something to put ON that slice of bread. Cream cheese is not listed amongst my dairy options, nor is butter. Peanut butter is a fat (not included in my breakfast menu)...you see my dilemma. So right off the bat, they're asking me to THINK. Perish the thought! Oh well...I knew it had to be too good to be true.
As you can tell, I'm a little apprehensive about starting this program. I hope it goes better than I think it will. Watch this space for updates!

New Project

2009-05-08T15:53:00.002-05:00

I need a new knitting project, and I'm having trouble deciding on something. I rarely have time to just sit and knit anymore, so I'm torn between something I can just pick up and work on indefinitely, like a blanket, or something small that I can finish in a couple sittings. Of course, then there is the quilting that I want to do, not to mention scrapbooking.

*sigh* So many projects, and so little time.

Lacey Kohl Photography

2009-05-07T20:00:00.004-05:00

Zachary is famous! ...Again! Check out some of his latest portraits on Lacey's blog HERE!

Jeremiah 29:4-13

2009-05-02T20:27:00.005-05:00

This scripture has spoken to me so many times. I hope it will bless you too.

"Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel,
To all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and become the fathers of sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; and multiply there and do not decrease. Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare.'
For thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, 'Do not let your prophets who are in your midst and your diviners deceive you, and do not listen to the dreams which they dream.
For they prophesy falsely to you in My name; I have not sent them,' declares the LORD.
For thus says the LORD, 'When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place.
For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.
Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."

Dedication

2009-05-01T22:53:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow our family will begin their arrival in Bentonville for Zachary's dedication this Sunday. I have so many emotions about this - it's hard to sort it all out. But, since this blog is partly for journaling I will try my best, so here goes...

Well, first and most obviously, I am excited - to see my family, and to finally have this dedication happen! It's been bumped and rescheduled so many times that I've lost count. Sadly, that's where the obvious emotions end.

I guess I feel a little apprehensive of the whole ritual we call "baby dedication". I've been reassured by both my mother and the pastor performing the dedication that baby dedication is really all about the parents being dedicated to raising the child to the best of their ability in a Christian environment, and that is what I am prepared to do. But at the same time, that explanation is just not quite good enough for me. I mean, if that were really the original intent of whoever started this ritual, then why didn't they call it parents' dedication? No, I believe it has to mean more than that. If one says they are "dedicating their baby to the Lord," that, to me at least, means something different.

I guess my personal struggle comes down to trust. It's one thing to say that you trust the Lord to take care of your child, but it's another to put it into practice. And if you've lost a child, as I have, it becomes all the harder. People throw those words around so lightly: "Lord, I trust You. Lord, I surrender all." I wonder how many people actually stop to think about what they would do if everything they had, including their family, were suddenly stripped away. How many of us, like Job, could say, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." My own suffering has been nowhere near what Job suffered, and yet I find myself struggling to accept his attitude.

This is not a new struggle for me - I've dealt with it to one degree or another since that horrible day that we discovered Trevor had died; The day that time stopped, and I could not sense God's presence at all. There is no easy answer to this dilemma. Or at least if there is, I haven't found it yet. There is only faith - that when everything seems to be going wrong, God has not forgotten us.

Dear Lord, please help me to trust You as I once did. You know my heart, and you know my struggles. Sometimes my heart's cry is like Mulder's from the X-Files: "I want to believe!" Lord, please help me to believe. I WANT to trust You.

Amen.

To Trevor:

2009-04-30T15:37:00.005-05:00

My dearest Trevor,

A few days ago as I was feeling amazed at how quickly the past 6 months have passed, I realized that Zachary is at the age that you would have been when Zachary was conceived. It's always incredible to me how time is such a relative thing, or at least our perception of time. What a difference there can be in 6 months! The 6 months after you were born were probably the hardest of my life. They were definitely the most profound, gutwrenching, emotionally overwhelming months.

I know it may sometimes seem like I have forgotten you, now that your brother has arrived. I haven't visited your gravesite as much as I feel like I should, and most of my time is consumed with Zachary. But I have not forgotten you; I could NEVER forget you! The past six months have flown by, but they have been tinged with bittersweet moments too. Even though I love your brother with all my heart, I still love and miss you too! I wonder whether you would have had your brother's personality, or one completely different. What kind of a big brother would you have been? Along with the thrill of Zachary's firsts, I feel the sadness at knowing I never had those with you: your first smile, your first gabbering, your first holiday. I wish I could smother you with kisses, and tickle you to make you laugh. But most of all, I wish I could just hold you in my arms again. I don't think that ache will ever really go away, and honestly I don't want it to.

So no matter how many children I have, I will never, ever forget you. I love you so much, my baby boy. And till the day that we are reunited at Heaven's gates, I will still be loving you and missing you.

With all my love,

Mama

That's how I roll...

2009-04-28T21:51:00.003-05:00

Zachary has finally mastered the art of rolling from his tummy to his back, and I am so relieved! The only downside to this is that I'm going to have to start watching him more closely when he's on his blanket on the floor, or I'll need to start using the playpen! He's already rolled right off the edge of the blanket and onto the hard floor a couple times today! He's growing so quickly - I'm almost afraid to blink right now, but it's all wonderful!

I haven't gotten video footage of his new amazing feat, but when I do, I'll post it here.

Try it - You'll like it! (...maybe...)

2009-04-25T19:53:00.003-05:00

Today we gave Zachary his first taste of rice cereal. He seemed excited about it until I put the spoonful of cereal into his mouth! He made this horrible face like he thought I was trying to poison him. It was pitiful, but funny at the same time! He finally ate a few spoons of it, but I'm just chalking this one up to "practice". And of couse, as the old addage goes, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" Here's some multimedia for your viewing pleasure!

A Photogenic Boy!

2009-04-24T15:11:00.005-05:00

Yesterday morning I took Zachary to my friend Lacey's house to have his picture taken. He wasn't quite as smiley as I had hoped he would be, but I think she was able to get some really nice shots anyway! It's amazing to compare yesterday's pictures to his pictures from 2 1/2 months ago - he's growing so fast it scares me! He won't be my little baby for long, so I'm trying to just soak up every moment I can with him! He is such a precious gift from God. I thank the Lord for him every day!

Here are a couple pictures that Lacey sent me as a sneak peek. Hope you enjoy them!

Waaaaay off-Broadway... (But still awesome!)

2009-04-23T13:18:00.006-05:00

I just ordered tickets to see "Fiddler on the Roof" at the Walton Arts Center, and I'm so excited! I got hooked on the movie while I was pregnant with Zachary and watched it many times, so when I heard that it was coming to Fayetteville, I could hardly believe it! What makes it even more incredible is that this is Topol's farewell tour! Yes, he was the ORIGINAL Tevye in the Broadway show, and also the one in the movie. I can hardly wait till May! Now, to find a babysitter......

Check out shows and attractions coming to the Walton Arts Center here!

And, one of my favorite songs from the musical! Enjoy!

Act your Age??

2009-04-20T12:32:00.006-05:00

So I'm sitting on the couch with Zachary the other day, watching "Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends" when it hits me that I'm enjoying the show much more than my 6-month-old son is. Now considering this show is made for preschoolers, what does that say about my intellectual level? I started to worry about this and came up with 3 possible acceptable reasons that I get into the show:

A) It brings back memories of watching cartoons when I was a child.
B) The innocence and upbeat tone of the show just makes me feel happy.
C) They actually have some talented writers on the show.

Of course there is the "other" possible reason I like the show: that I am really just a kid at heart. And truthfully, I'm kind of leaning towards that possibility.

Having said that, there are a few things about the show that bother me, like how is it possible that a mother and father spider have children that are several different species of insects? What the HECK is the deal with Spideras' and Spindella's heads? And finally, what in the world is the thing that looks like a blueberry with legs and a huge mouth supposed to be? If any"buggy" can enlighten me on these puzzlings of mine, please do so - I would be most grateful! Until then, however, I think I will allow myself the small indulgence of feeling just a little sad when the show is over each day.

Back to Bed!

2009-04-17T11:46:00.003-05:00

The other day, my mom mentioned that I ought to start thinking about lowering Zachary's crib mattress, since he's starting to push up. Yesterday seemed like a great time to do this, since I was home alone with the baby all day (and most of the night), and was looking for things I could do to pass the time with Zachary nearby. It didn't seem like it would be very hard to do - all I had to do was unscrew the brackets and move them down a notch, right?? HA! I removed the first bracket without a hitch. Simple. The second bracket was a bit tougher, since the weight of the first corner was working against me. After the second bracket was removed, I heard a horrible creaking sound, and when I moved around to work with the third corner, I saw what had happened: The weight of the front side hanging free had caused the back half of the board to "bend" where it was still attached. However, since plywood doesn't really bend, it was starting to crack. Somehow I managed to get the back two brackets undone before the board was completely destroyed. Next time, I'll remember to unscrew the plywood from the brackets before removing them. (Ok, insert the collective "duh" here.)

Having gone to all this effort, and also having removed the crib mattress pad and moving the bumper pad so as to leave a small gap all the way around between the pad and mattress (in case Zachary should roll into the pad face-first), I thought it would be safe to try having Zachary sleep in his crib lastnight. So when it was time for bed, Greg rocked Zachary to sleep and laid him down in the crib. I turned the baby monitor way up so I could hear the slightest sound, and laid in bed awake, waiting for him to cry. Miraculously, he didn't make a sound! In fact, he slept eight full hours! I'd say the night was a success! *whoosh* What a relief!

"Roll" Call (or, "why we worry")

2009-04-14T17:01:00.004-05:00

This weekend, Mr. Personality learned how to roll from his back to his tummy. He had been flirting with the idea for a couple weeks, but finally mastered it on Saturday. Twice Saturday night, I got up in the middle of the night and found him on his tummy in his crib. You might think this is no big deal, or even that it should be cause for celebration, but there's the rub. Once he rolls onto his tummy, he has no idea how to roll back. He also doesn't seem to understand the concept of turning his head to the side so he can breathe. So the past couple nights I have had him sleeping in his bassinet, bumped up against the bed so I can keep an eye on him. Even so, I haven't slept all that soundly. I've also been working hard during the days to encourage his rolling from tummy to back, but so far to no avail.

Maybe I wouldn't worry so much if I hadn't lost one baby already, but then, maybe I would. I have had many people tell me that it is a stage that their babies went through and that he'll be fine. I sincerely appreciate their words of comfort. However, I don't think any of them has held the lifeless body of their beloved firstborn. It is not something that one forgets. I guess that's just part of life as a bereaved parent. You are acutely aware of the frailty of human life, and the fact that it can be snatched away in a moment, with absolutely no warning.

It is very difficult to find a balance in all this; I can't live in fear of losing Zachary, but I don't want to be careless either. So finding that balance has become my goal in life over the past few months. I want to be the best mother I can be, and part of that is being a balanced mother. Lord, help me find that balance!

Having said all that, I really am proud of my baby boy! So here is a short video of Zachary's rolling skills. :)

A blog by any other name...

2009-04-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

I thought writing a blog would be a good idea... a good exercise for my writing skills, a good outlet for my thoughts and feelings, even a good way to journal memorable events and stay in touch with family and friends. But now I sit here staring at my computer screen, feeling intimidated by the name "blog." Silly, you say? Why should I be intimidated by the word blog? I guess the reason would be that I have just come to equate a blog to something deep and meaningful, written by someone beautiful who everyone wants to know - to get inside their head. And why would anyone want to get in my head? Half the time I don't even want to be there myself!

But, I'm tired of feeling intimidated by an inanimate object, or in this case, a concept! I still think blogging will be fun and productive, so I'm jumping in! And if nobody ever reads my blog, that's ok! Ah, yes. I feel liberated! Now, I just have to figure out what to write about...